I am not under the NHS, although I have heard plenty about the appalling state of that system, as I live in Australia. My new psychiatrist did another assessment of me (have not had one for 15 years)and tells me I am in the highest bracket and classified as 'severely depressed' which normally he would recommend in-patient and ECT for. He was in a quandary he said, because I am the most high functioning severely depressed person he has ever seen. He put me on new meds instead and whilst I feel tired all the time, I have continued to be as high functioning as usual but the constant suicidal thoughts (several times a day - sometimes all day) have dissipated somewhat. All I can say is that whilst I am still depressed and still feeling suicidal from time to time things have definitely improved. I have suffered from this depression since I as a child - a fair few decades - so all I am trying to say is PLEASE do not give on seeking assistance. There are people who love you who would be destroyed if you did something irreversible. There are people here who do understand and who want the best for you - please don't lose sight of those who care be they your real life family and friends or the online friends you have here. I truly hope you can find some solace and peace in your experience and I assure you I will be thinking of you and wishing you only the best, strength and love.