So I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 17 and I've basically rejected/ran from the diagnosis since. I've been so successful in rejecting the diagnosis I've managed to convince myself and others it's something else! Depression! PTSD from my bad childhood.....

..... and now I'm an adult and I'm experiencing the dawning realisation that I'm a total wreck and I've avoided the truth.
Honestly, I just didn't want to have BPD. I already understood well enough at that age that it meant a life of being watched.... judged for having a mood that isn't your own.... a state of mind you do not control. I was ready to accept a diagnosis for easily conflated disorders similar to BPD (like borderline) because they are at least changing disorders that reduce with severity as people age.

Anything... I'd try anything to just not have BPD.
I honestly didn't believe I had it either. But I certainly couldn't stand the thought of "levelling" my moods out. My moods felt perfectly natural! No jarring shift from one stage to the next.... or not perceptible to me.

But the thought of flattening my moods with drugs repulsed me. The one thing I had going for me was my "life of the party" personality. I was loud, funny, confident, flirty! But I was also tremendously self destructive.
I loved to party and party I did! With tremendous gusto! I found that staying up all night, taking stimulants and dancing only made me feel better... and better... sure I'd be sorta tired and hungover the next day but I WASNT depressed!! And god was it liberating, I felt I had so much life to make up for.

And then I'd crash.... usually explosively as by that point people would be concerned about my wellbeing. During these states I'd try anything to shift back.... instead everything would spiral down the shitcan and I'd wind up in hospital after a suicide attempt.

My depressive states tend to dominate now and I've tried nearly every anti depressant in the book. They all just send me absolutely crazy.

I came here in a desperate attempt to find out if anyone else had stories like mine? I mean, I've met type 1s in hospital and it seems like a whole other ball game when psychosis is involved. I'm lucky? (I guess) to have type II
but that doesn't make it any less easier to deal with.

I honestly REALLY struggle to perceive change in my moods. I can't see changes coming at all. I know people with bipolar have a clinical lack of awareness of their condition but does it really feel like this? There isn't a day goes by I don't question the validity of the diagnosis, but I also know it's the only one that truly fits.

Sorry for the long post. I'm having a really bad day today.