Thanks for all your supportive comments.I feel guilty though now cos I just found out my mum has her hysterectomy on Tuesday next week,I am also worried about her,she is 86 years old and it is a major operation.I have had a great deal of fear over my own biopsy results which showed abnormal cells,and also fear and worry over mum who has grade 2 womb cancer.

I have decided to start counselling a month early,instead of April,second week in March.I need to talk about all I have been through and am going through.Someone in real time who is on my side.

I won't be ok mood wise until mum's op is done and a success without complications and without her being in too much pain.
I have said I will visit her on Monday,she will be in hospital 3 days,I don't know if I can visit her in hospital,I will if I can.I will get texts off my narc sister letting me know the ward telephone number I can ring for visiting times etc
It is hard getting over abuse when it is ongoing,I came home last week and had left the indoor patio door lock open,then I found old toothbrushes that had never belonged to me in the bathroom cabinet,I suspect my narc sister let herself in my house again through the back door with my old keys.She has done it before.She will do anything she can to hurt me and upset me she still wants me dead.

It is one thing after another ,if it is not narc sister's abuse,it is mum manipulating me into running round after her,not meaning this latest thing of her having the operation,but in general that is what mum sees me as a slave to do her bidding,a spare, in case my sister lets her down.It has been that way my whole life if I don't set her straight she assumes I will do anything she asks me for her.If not trying to establish myself from those two it is some health issue or another,for years this has been happening.

I think this is a cycle I am sufferring due to me having repressed myself my whole life.I repress myself emotionally,sexually,creatively,it all builds up inside and i hold it in life a massive dam,stemming the flow,I should just let go and see what happens.

The book I bought on how physical illness is underneath an expression of emotions and pain in that area says my womb cancer expresses my feelings as a woman and daughter,masking shame,guilt,loos,grief in those areas.As a woman I have rarely expressed my sexuality,I never had the chance to be a mother though I reckon I would have chosen not to go down that route anyway.I am bisexual but I repressed that,too humiliated by men and angry at them to allow myself to love them or have sex and too much self hatred for my lesbian side to accept it and embrace it.

Good God I am 53 years old in March I should just let go of all that repression and self rejection and let others in ,let them love me.I want to,I plan to go out and meet people,usually I am short of money to pay myself for whatever event it is.Surely if I really wanted to and wasn't a coward I would find the money,though money is short recently,so much to pay for and not enough funds.It should be better come July so will make an effort then.
July is when I am due to have my next womb biopsy by the way.If I get the all clear I should break a barrier/taboo to celebrate.