I'm glad you've had legal consultations regarding your rights. And I'm glad you see your kids regularly with, apparently, no conflict over custody issues.

I don't think any of us here are pushing you to file for divorce, or thinking that will be an easy solution. Plus, as you say, you're not even eligible, yet, to do that. It also explains why she hasn't done that.

You say you are being stationed there for the near foreseeable future. That simplifies a lot. I guess, then, you are doing about all you can. Take things day by day.

It's my own belief, based on years of watching people and life, that hardly anyone hugely changes in who they are. But your wife may have gained a lot of confidence in her ability to get by without you. I think you are placing too much blame on other people for ruining the relationship between your wife and yourself. They may have helped her open some doors, but she was looking for those doors, and she would have found her way to where she us at, one way or another. Like you say: the things they told her were what you suspect she "wanted to hear." Anyone can find people to agree with them, if they look hard enough. Plus, they are only hearing her side.