Take your time, and be gentle with yourself. I have no idea if your able to get professional help. Please seek someone with a specialty in spousal abuse.

Your not crazy. Your trained. Years of ingrained behaviour does not vanish over night, no matter how illogical it seems.
Maybe you could start by not going back for just one evening a week. If this seems like too much even don't punish yourself. Just wait a little while and try again.

When your ready seek support from those who have been through similar things.

And if your able keep talking. Well done for speaking up here, and asking your question. Hopefully you will find others .

Take care of yourself.