Hello AmyWoods: Well... the short answer here, from my perspective, is... find a mental health therapist with whom you can, over a period of time, explore what you have experienced & how it has affected you. But in doing so realize that figuring all of this out will take time & effort. And not every therapist works well with every client. So after a while, if the first therapist you see doesn't seem to be a good match, keep looking.

In a perhaps strange way I have had something similar going on with me for many years. I'm an older person now... male. But all of my life, farther back than I can remember, there's been a part of my psyche that felt female. It's a very long & convoluted story & I'll spare you the details. But there came a point where I began to think of that female part of me as "my psychotic fraternal twin sister". She never developed physically. But she exists, along with my male self, within my psyche. Unfortunately over the years, her being trapped within my male body caused her to become psychotic. And so she has to be kept tightly locked away. Were she to ever escape her confinement there's no telling the damage she might do. I don't know what caused all of this to develop in me. As I mentioned previously it all goes back to before I have any memory. And at this late stage of my life it's too late to do anything about it. It all just is what it is. But I think it's a similar sort of thing to what you're experiencing I suspect... sort-of a dual, or perhaps split personality. I thought perhaps sharing my experience might at least help you to feel a bit less alone in this.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!