Yeah, I know what I did was really dangerous... it's the only time I've ever mixed an energy drink in there. It's terrible because I'm always looking for a new way to get really messed up. That was crossing the line though and I never want to do it again... back to the normal stuff I guess.

I just don't think I can do it, don't think I have it in me to quit.

For you guys, is/was alcoholism the only problem? Did you just drink to drink because you were addicted, or did you drink because it's an enjoyable and effective way to mask other problems?

A lot of terrible things have happened to me in the past two years of my life, and I'm the type who's really good at holding everything in, and I do it until I snap.

There are just things about me that I feel I can't tell anyone, I'd get scorned for feeling that way about her in the situation I was in. I'd just get told to get over this and that. Supposedly I'm a "man *****," though really just a confused guy.

Latest two quotes:

A week or so ago: "You always seemed like the guy who was gonna be somebody."

Notice the "seemed," past tense, that definitely hit me.

And then....

"I don't want to abandon you, at all. And I am here, I am with you, always. But, I'm standing up now, and I'm here to tell you that you have to make a decision, it is all yours....(My name), get your drinking under control, or lose me. "

That last one was in mid-October, she was in tears. And I care so much about her and I swore I'd never pick up a bottle again. And here I am today with all the cuts and bruises of the last time I drank.