I haven't been around much lately because I have been going through a grieving process for old t and adjusting to new t. So far t has been really great for me. She doesn't push or let her own stuff contaminate my therapy like ex t did. Last night in therapy, new t and I talked about my ex t. She asked me to pick a stone to represent her. As I picked a stone and imagined it was t I started to feel very uncomfortable. My uncomfortableness was around what I told new t about ex t. I never mentioned it here as it would probably be too triggering. As I was telling new t about that session with old t I began to go into shock.i was sweating, feeling faint, lips shaking hands shaking and clammy. This has never happened before and it scared me so much.
New t was very good and gave me a pen to write because she recognised that I couldn't speak. She then asked if perhaps there was no words? At this point I was froze, I couldn't move. T said that it was ok I would be ok. She gave me a blanket and made some tea. She said she didn't want to push me and asked if we should put the breaks on? I nodded because it felt like the best thing to do. All day today I have been in another world. It's hard to focus and concentrate and I have been getting sick all day. This reaction really scared me. T asked if I was scared of ex t? I am scared and was scared especially this session we were talking about. T said that she wasn't going to push me to stay in contact like ex t did. I now realise that ex t was retraumatising me. She was reacting to me and we were both triggering each other. I feel really scared and question how I let this happen for so long. New t thinks it was an enactment for both me and my therapist she also suggested a projective identification.