You asked some good questions and got interesting replies.
The trouble in my relationships with Ns was that they were a downward slide for me it was progressive devaluation. What the answers here indicate is that if you unhook from the N. enough, you dont have to get devalued. I myself was unable to unhook, but now can see that it could be possible with more knowledge, like about them needing supply.

I always recommend Patricia Evan's books about living with abuse. though she tends to recommend the confrontative line rather than the psychological one, I think the combined knowledge of both may be useflul. If i've already said this to you somewhere else, well, sorry to be repetative. It sounds like its really serious tho, with you having panick attacks and the children obviously being affected, so , good luck with your search for solutions.

river.