Oh hun, I feel so much for you right now...it sounds like you are really struggling. I'm really happy you keep posting, though, it gives me some hope that you are reaching out and looking for support- don't stop! There are so many people who understand what you're going through, and I hope you can find the support you need here. I envy your ability to write such good poetry- I've tried a billion times and things never seem to come out right- but you are really good at describing how you feel inside. Take care of yourself and keep reaching out- you deserve to feel better than this, and I hope things start looking up for you soon. God bless!