I'm so tired of everything. I saw my Pdoc this week and I told her things haven't really improved much so she decided to switch me from Cymbalta to Prozac. I am currently taking 120mg of Cymbalta so I will be tapering off very slowly and then transitioning to prozac. I'm just so over this whole thing though. Prozac will be my fourth antidepressant and I don't have high expectations. I don't really like my Pdoc very much; she reminds me of my mother. She is kind of pushy and doesn't really get me... she seems superficial. She seems to think my issues are "biological" however I tend to think it is more of a personality related thing.

I talked to T about all of this because she knows me much better than my Pdoc. I asked my T early on in therapy with her if she thought I had BPD. T basicially said she doesn't like to use labels and she wasn't sure if I had it anyway. When I brought it up again this week T still seemed reluctant to tell me if I have a personality disorder. We ran out of time so I didn't get to finish discussing it but I find it frustrating that she won't answer questions directly. I understand her perspective but having tried so many medications and years of therapy, I am starting to wonder if my diagnoses of depression and anxiety is wrong. Well not wrong as I am pretty sure I do have those things, but incomplete. I have a strong feeling that BPD is my core issue and the depression and anxiety are byproducts of it. Of course I can't just go around diagnosing myself with things which is why I want to know T's opinion.

T also asked me if I ever have doubts about therapy and her (like I do with medication and Pdoc) and I said that I do sometimes but I try not to think about it. It scares me to think that things will never ever get better so I try to believe that this is the right therapy for me. If I think things will never get better that leads to other bad thoughts and well... it just goes on from there.