I have no idea where to post this, but I've posted about it a while ago in the mental health forum i think. I am on disability. I have issues with showing up to social stuff. I don't have an answer to why, except that when the time comes to do stuff like knitting group, meditation group, etc, I don't feel like it. I do feel bored when I think about it actually. But I want to get myself to go to these things. Its hard to push through the uncomfortableness of resistance. But I should keep trying.

Being on disability, I wonder if that lets me continue to just not show up. Because I have no consequences. Except I do. I don't have friends. no connection. I desire deep connections in my life. Actually, I don't feel deep connection to anyone at knitting group. I was friends with this one woman there outside of the group. She took an interest in me, but has kind of disappeared. Anyway, I don't have difficulty showing up for one on one stuff. So I don't think its me. I even sent her a valentine card.

I don't know what to do and am beyond my wits end with myself for not doing certain stuff. of not having friends. for not being in the community. Sorry, I feel like I'm babbling and not making any sense. But I need to get this out somehow.

The last time I talked about this, someone said I sounded very lukewarm and bored about knitting group. This is very true. Other stuff, that I've been more interested in, has given me more anxiety. So...I don't ****ing know. Maybe I'm destined to live alone and sad. I hope not. I'm just........I don't know how to do this. Social stuff. Without......feeling so much anxiety. feeling like I don't want to.

I know I need to talk to my therapist. and i will.

I want meaning and connection in my life.