suicidal thoughts for long enough, it becomes a habit. Elio's phrase "passive death wish" sounds excellent to me. I suspect that I will dealing with death thoughts for the rest of my life after having years of deep depression and thinking about it and wishing for it so often. It's like it's automatic. But it still scares me when they happen. I see a bus and think about jumping in front of it, even if I'm not even feeling really sad/depressed right then. Automatic.

Lately I've been feeling tired, too, so tired of trying, so tired of keeping on fighting, so tired of the maintenance, the meds, the side effects, having to work every.single.day. I am sure that the passive death thoughts contribute. It takes energy to keep them passive, and it's tiring.