Believe it or not, I did a little better with it this time. Only two shots of whiskey, then crying on the bathroom floor for three hours.

I told h if I'm going to be able to function and care for our son, he'd have to leave. He did.

My son is sick with fever today. I'm caring for him and we watched a movie.

I told my sister what happened. She said it's the same as it always is and that my h and I will make up as we always do.

This is a cycle of abuse that has gone on for many years. There was no sex today. Just sadness, anger, hostility, futile acceptance.

I wish there was a doctor to help. I have tried so many times.

So we could go back to the CBT t, and he'd say 'and what were you thinking?'

I tried to use my CBT skills during the 'attack'.

This is still what happened.

I'm just numb now. My stomach in knots, not eating.