I hear you. Its not frustrating for me to empathize and hear you. Ive felt so stuck and frustrated, too. Its like the body knows what the mind doesn't, and vice versa...its been hard for me to get them to match up. Not easy, not fast. It's a delicate yet messy process, but doable in a two steps forward one step back motion (for me).
When you talk about not wanting life, I assume you mean as it now is, rather than at all. I am rooting for you to get the external stuff you need. And, whether it's shame, fear, both, or something else that tears you up inside, I am rooting for you to capture compassion and love for yourself as you struggle through molting.