Quote:
Originally Posted by it'sgrowtime
I hear you. Its not frustrating for me to empathize and hear you. Ive felt so stuck and frustrated, too. Its like the body knows what the mind doesn't, and vice versa...its been hard for me to get them to match up. Not easy, not fast. It's a delicate yet messy process, but doable in a two steps forward one step back motion (for me).
When you talk about not wanting life, I assume you mean as it now is, rather than at all. I am rooting for you to get the external stuff you need. And, whether it's shame, fear, both, or something else that tears you up inside, I am rooting for you to capture compassion and love for yourself as you struggle through molting.
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Thanks for your post. You may think I'm exaggerating, but my life hasn't been but full of pain and failures. I cannot remember anything that made me happy ever. Others I guess are "intoxicated" by some good things in life. I don't have that mysterious drink. I fear death because we all fear death, otherwise we all would be dead, but I don't have the energy and/or willingness to actively live because I sort of have given up trying to live as everyone else, to have a normal life. This means that I'm only surviving or existing, which makes me feel worthless. Yes I'm educated. Yes I had a job and can have another opportunity to work if I put more effort. But neither one means much to me. I view these things as means to something (I'm not sure what that might be), but they are ends to me, because when I had a job, I didn't have a life outside my work, and I'm afraid the situation would remain the same in a new setting. I'm not sure if I'm delusional by looking for a meaning to my life.
Thanks all for the replies.