Misssy2 I think you are biting off more than you can chew right now. You have anxiety and that alone can make something like climbing a hill feel like a mountain. I have had major anxiety for as long as I remember. 2 of my triplets are autistic and when they were non-verbal I remember sitting on the couch watching them on the floor thinking I should be working with them on the floor and I literally could not move, I hated myself and kept thinking "get on the floor you idiot and cure them NOW!" I finally took a Xanax which I hate to take but afterwards I finally got on the floor and played. I didn't cure them of course but I did something. It took so much out of me just thinking of I need to cure them right now rather than giving myself a 2 minute floor time goal which might've become longer or might not have. Taking that first step is the hardest but the feeling of accomplishment is worth it.

Im guessing you are overwhelmed and are feeling powerless. That is a really awful state and hard to climb out of. You need to take baby steps, not even regarding kicking bf out either. You need to somehow feel a little better step by step before tackling the bf issue. trying to go from feeling overwhelmed to even joy is impossible. It's like trying to climb out of quicksand and running a marathon! You will end up feeling worse in the end and probably won't get the results you want anyway.

I started doing that by watching spiritual growth, motivational videos on YouTube. I started with Teal Swan and currently I adore Tony Robbins. I found a bunch of others along the way as well like Ester/Abraham hicks, Brendon.com is another awesome channel, diving deep, Julien himself is also great. I think Tony Robbins is the absolute best for me. I can be so upset or hating my husband and I always feel so much better and lighter after a video or two. I actually begin to have understanding and empathy so I feel empowered as well. What he does and says doesn't affect me as much as it did 30 minutes before. I also think differently about what I can or can't do.

The people I mentioned might not be your cup of tea so keep searching until you hear something that clicks. The emotional state you are in is your body telling you that something is wrong. It's a sign and a good way of getting your attention to do something different because what you are currently doing isn't working. That's ok. It's not something else to feel bad about.

my family just feel like I'm being taken advantage of. They aren't seeing that it takes two to tango and I have not been a angel either. I know they are right about most things. I should clarify that not everyone is saying divorce him. They are saying kick him out, give him a ultimatum and that'll get him to quit drinking and start working. I feel that I can't do that until I am ok with getting a divorce. I just put it that way because I feel that kicking him out would result in a divorce. His ego is so bad I can see him saying fine just because I 'insulted' him and he is not one to admit any wrong doing. He would divorce me rather than get help because then I would 'win'. My biggest concern is what that would do to our young children. logically the kids would be better off if they had happy parents but I just don't want to throw him out until I am certain things won't get better. He would make the divorce very difficult and probably try to get alimony. He would never stop drinking either just for spite or at least that's what he would tell himself.

I'm trying to get him to want to better himself but on his own terms. Then he would feel in control with it and actually try.

It's hard and so many times I just want to tell him to move his self pity party out and away from me.