I am a 22 year old male who turns 23 in a little over a month. The first symptom I have is numbing. I don't cause it, and I can't force it to stop once it happens. I become emotionally numb randomly, no matter how much I care for the person. It's like I can't remember ever having any emotional connection with them. Also, when people compliment me or act like they love me, I feel disgusted usually. It also usually disgusts me when I am hugged, rubbed on my back, or touched unexpectedly. If I ever feel love or affection for someone, I lose those feelings and get anxiety until I push them out of my life. Also, I stare on a daily basis. But not regular staring, it's deep. Like, I'm unaware of my surroundings when it takes place. It's like I leave reality during my staring spells, like a trance. Also, people tell me my eyes become empty and it looks like I'm focusing my eyes on something very far away. My ex gf always said it scared her to see that blank expression. I have terrible memory as well. I have moodswings ranging from severe depression to manic energy that annoys everyone around me. Sometimes I feel hatred. I mean, hate that is so strong it is concerning. These moodswings are emotions at their highest level. I don't think I'm bipolar though because they fluctuate from every five minutes to every two hours. I haven't noticed a trigger either. I'm very impulsive and I get a rush from being impulsive. The
Rush is so nice to me I'm always impulsive. It has resulted in 16 criminal charges for shop lifting, drugs, violence, property damage.. Also, once I get angry, I get very angry and can't calm myself down. My anger scares me. it makes me at least five times stronger than I usually am. Crazy strength. I feel an emptiness inside that I try to run from by using drugs. I can also escape the crippling, extreme, frequent moodswings I've had since I was 11. I was a cutter for 7 years. I attempted suicide seriously on four occasions and was actually happy because I knew no one had any idea what I was planning. It felt like a relief to escape my pain permanently. I never would try cutting myself or killing myself again though. I learned a lot just how much it affects your family. Anyways, I used to hit dogs as a child and when I realized what I was doing, it would make me cry and wonder why I would do something so evil. Then I'd be sweet and loving to the dog I just finished hitting. I don't maintain friends at all, and I prefer to be at home and usually am. I isolate myself from my family and like I said, I don't have friends so it's just me. Also, vacuum cleaners, lawn mowers, dogs barking, and loud noises make me freak out and I can't handle it to the point where I need to go to a quiet place. I am also extremely ticklish everywhere on my body, shirt tags drive me insane and make my skin crawl, and I have so many other symptoms of sensory processing sensitivity disorder. I was with my dad from birth to age 9. He was never around. He's a drug addict who was always gone selling drugs. My mother got sentenced to life in prison when I was 3 for murdering her husband and father. She was mentally ill but I'm unsure what her diagnoses was. During my 4 years in foster care, I know I changed homes often. The longest I spent in a home was a month. As I kid, I remember writing down all the homes I lived at to count them. It was over 20, but I only remember like three of those homes. I remember being locked in a closet and verbally abused, but don't remember any real abuse. I don't remember though so I'm not sure. I was neglected my whole childhood from birth to age 12, and never had friends or any bonds to any other person. I got adopted at age 12 but at 14, they divorced and put me back in foster care. I caused the divorce because I was bad in school and stressed my adopted mom out and she stopped having sex with her husband and he cheated. After they put me back in foster care was when I started getting criminal charges and using drugs and fighting. Any idea what mental disorder I have? My diagnosis always changes so I'm very confused. Any help would be much appreciated, thank you everyone!