Obviously from some of the things I have posted on your threads I don't totally understand. I am sorry about that.
I am sure my H feels like he was smarter, mentally stronger and the "adult" one in our marriage. And, of course, I can think of times where this was just not the case (but on balance I now think that I am really the one who has the serious MI). Actually, before my "crack-up", he went through a very bad period in his life. It was traumatizing for me and our children. Would he have acted out less if I had been more understanding? Would it have been better for my children if I had left at that time? I don't know. I do feel guilty about how BOTH H and I must have effected our children's mental health. It is probably unhealthy for me to think about "what ifs". I do feel differently about him now.
I am sorry this has been going on for so long for you. When we are angry--it hurts us more than it hurts the people we are angry at. You know that but still can't get past it. Your H is a completely different person than my H is so it is not good for me to compare our situations. I just wanted to let you know that I understand how stressful marriage can be. I guess like everyone else suggested, keep asking for and accepting help. Are you still unsure about whether or not you should divorce him? Do you think your fear about making the wrong decision is your problem? Maybe talk to a therapist who can help you work through these two things? Not a CBT therapist--you now know you have to accept yourself--one that can help you evaluate whether or not you would be better off if you divorced him and then, if you divorce, can support you during the process. <<<hugs>>>
PS "I am a high priced wh*re."--that's not true, you have left him before then you came back because of sympathy. And you say right here that your pity him. I do not look at it that way at all!