My goal is to avoid getting triggered, and exist as peacefully as I can.

My h is who he is. He's not a bad man. He wants to live peacefully, too.

So we have this intimacy issue that triggers me.

Now I told him sex is off the table once again.

He said he was going to call the T, but he didn't, thinking there was no point. That's what he just said today. OK then.

So now we'll peacefully coexist. When he isn't getting his sexual needs met, I predict he'll call the T for an appointment.

It's a bad marriage, but I don't have any better alternative, plus I feel too much guilt to really leave him, plus I am still hoping for a miracle of change for the better. But I know you can't build a strong house on a weak foundation.

I keep saying to him that I am only stuck with him (or at least stuck here in this house) for another four years because of our son in high school. After that, I don't have any reason to be here any more and I can go any where. Maybe then I'll go.

I could go through a divorce now, but I can't bring myself to do it.

When he shows me the slightest effort in the way that resonates with me i am all good feelings of love and devotion toward him.

If I have BPD, here is where I flip flop. I go from contentment to fleeing.

He does what he does to press my buttons. He gaslights by saying he has no clue what he does and makes me prove it again and again.

Yes this does control me. It''s probably never going to stop.

If my issue triggers anyone else here, please just don't even read my posts.