I wrote the last paragraph of this post before I read all your posts. Your integrity regarding your children is honorable.

My experience is different though. My husband just filed for divorce after 41 years of marriage. My children are 32 and 28. Only now, post-divorce have they told me how much they feared and hated their father. Although he was a good provider, they say the emotional suffering and damage he caused has created many issues for them. I, possibly like you, thought that divorce when they were younger would have caused more damage. I wish I had been strong enough to leave when they were younger. My children are relieved that their father is out of their lives. They told me they never want to see or hear from him again. He was no role model at all; just a bad, damaging influence. My children told me they were also so sad seeing me abused all of their formative years. Only now are my children and I loving and healing together, which is a true, authentic love and intimacy.

Just in case: Action plan: read custody law in your state, start taping her emotional rants ( admissible in family court), make your case and get as far away from her as you can. Nothing about your scenario is healthy for kids. Your kids will thank you for aiding their (your) escape from this smoldering cauldron of dysfunction. I don't believe you are helping your kids by staying in this situation.

You can feel empowered by taking thoughtful, effective action. And there will be peace..