I'm frustrated. I can't trust myself and neither can mental health professionals.

I've never lied to anyone (because I'm always truthful), but I've admitted, on several occasions, to being non compliant with meds. For example, I've admitted to stopping Latuda, Abilify, and Strattera all without my pdoc's consent. (I didn't do it all at once, but on 3 separate occasions.) I've also admitted to taking higher doses of a med than prescribed (e.g., I had extra Lexapro leftover, so I decided to take more than prescribed to induce a hypo/manic episode). I've also taken Adderall on 3 separate occasions to intentionally induce hypo/mania.

Anyway, I've noticed that I'm more impulsive when I'm in a mood episode. For example, I'll get into this mode of "meds don't work. f*** it"!" or "I hate meds! Mania is aweeesome!" But this also might just be a character flaw, as I sometimes to this outside of episodes too.

If I bring this issue up in therapy, I'm afraid that it'll affect our client-therapist relationship as well. I've only admitted these issues to my pdoc.

What can I do to build up my own trust? Trust starts with being able to trust yourself, and I can't do that. I don't know why!