I think you are doing a good job with your effort to articulate the deep challenges you are having.

Often a person is told "not" to cry or express emotions. This is bad because often that encourages the individual to turn anger inward when they experience "normal" emotional challenges.

One day I was sitting in therapy and some challenging things came up in conversation and I ended up crying/sobbing. At the same time I was trying so hard not to cry and felt a need to apologize. My therapist gave me permission to just "cry" and he explained that it was actually "healthy" to cry because it does help to release pent up toxins that accumulate by not allowing one's self to grieve, you see there is a purpose to "crying". It's "cleansing" and a normal function in human beings. It's OK to grieve and having the urge to grieve is a part of how we are designed.