Hello LostOnTheTrail: I'm sorry you find yourself to be in this most confusing & difficult situation. There have been a couple of individuals I have come to know on-line who died. I can't say I was close to either of them. I rarely become attached to anyone either on-line or in real life. But I had come to know them.

One was, unfortunately, a suicide. I guess the good thing in that case (to the extent that anything connected with it could have been considered good) was that at least I knew for certain what happened. In the situation you describe, you must be struggling with all sorts of confusing emotions because you really don't know for certain. Perhaps with time you'll be able to sort this out in some way or another. But under any circumstances, I send hugs your way with the hope that you might be able to find deep peace within...