I've been told a few times that I have this issue - that I can't internalize/hold the good in a relationship. Really I'm a bit unsure of it. It first happened with an authority figure who I idealized but who treated me quite badly (not abusively). My mental state deteriorated and I went into a psychotic depression. Eventually he realized what had happened and would then - on occasion have these long conversations with me. While I was speaking to him (at these times) I would feel cared for, respected, etc. However these conversations would be had maybe once a month or even less as he had many other duties. Meanwhile he actually still did some things which were pretty incontrovertible signs that he did not care all that much for me. Between conversations I would then go into a spiral of doubt and upset and end up back at the beginning.

Some years later the same thing happened with a T. When I saw him I was sure he cared about me, etc etc. But in between sessions I would go into an agony of doubt and sheer misery. I would recall emails he hadn't replied to, etc etc. I saw him 8 years and he passed away last year. My worst episodes are still when I think he didn't/couldn't have cared about me.

This isn't a feature of all my relationships - I am pretty insecure, but it doesn't generally have this intensity. I also haven't found the psychoanalytical theory that as an infant I was not able to internalize the good... to be very helpful, or to have that much explanatory value. It could be that I just don't understand the theory well enough. I remember it being tied up with object constancy?