Thank you all so much for your compassion Though I've known it on an intellectual level, it helps so much to have it confirmed that grieving and crying are OK and normal.

Bill3, thank you so much for asking! I can't remember how my parents reacted to me crying when I was very little, but at four years old, I had to have minor surgery (I was awake) and even then I was already clenching my teeth and fists, absolutely determined not to cry. I didn't let out a peep, just had a single silent tear roll down my face.. Even the doctor praised me for being 'braver' than most of their adult patients In hindsight, I've thought what a weird thing to say - had it been me, I would have wondered why this kid wasn't showing any emotion at all..

I've since thought this was probably an indication that something had already happened that had made me want to keep my emotions hidden. I've never seen my dad cry, and when a very dear relative of my mum's died, she left the house to go cry in secret behind our house.. Whenever something happened that made me feel like crying, I'd hold it in for as long as I could. Then I'd let it out in such a controlled and minor way my mum was usually able to ask me what was wrong.. But I didn't want to tell her because I felt like a 'bad girl' for crying and imposing that on her.. Then she'd get angry at me for not talking to her.

In my early 20s, I'd started to read about dysfunctional families and taken the first steps towards my own healing. There came a point when my mum had a raging fit just as I was about to go out with a friend, and I couldn't just take it anymore - she always tended to ruin the atmosphere when I tried to go and have some fun (which happened very rarely).. I just let the tears and crying come and told her straight how her behaviour made me feel. She completely lost it. After raging like a lunatic for a while, she basically drove me out of the house. Afterwards, what had happened was never talked about.

This made me think maybe she reacted in a similar way when I was little.. I would imagine my dad would have just walked away - he couldn't relate to me at all, didn't want to bond with me or have anything to do with me in any real way. I believe all the work was left to my mum who really wasn't any better equipped to look after a child, though she at least took some responsibility for having me and I imagine at least tried to do what she was 'supposed to do'. But I can imagine she would have got very tense about me crying, maybe feeling like a failure because she couldn't keep me happy, and she might even have been rough with me.. I guess it really is no wonder I have such a hard time expressing myself through crying now. It's like I have this terror attached to it in my very spine..