damn it, i'm trying. really i am. but this fuqqing roller coaster ride has become a nightmare. up, down, up, down. i just want to puke. i need someone REAL to hold me. yeah, fat fuqqing chance of that happing in this lifetime. it's not going to. i already know it. somebody on another forum had the balls to say that i had frieds. i damn near told him to shove it up his azz.

i don't mean hold in a sexual way. just in a way that makes me feel that i'm stll alive and that i matter. ive not been touched by another human in 20years. am i dead? i feal like it. brain isn't working at all. i can see that i'm at rock bottom when i can't spell and i don't care. and i thot 2006 waz bad. compared, not close. i'd rather repete 6 again. a dozen times over xmas 15 to today.

least then i still had a couple friends. none now. t says move on. get ove the fuqqing car. sorry jeanne, i'm tring. but it's not workong jut not. my damn swings are worse now than theyve ever been. and deeper to. the ideation that was so bad that got me to get back for help this time left and is now back. it's building. only a dozen or so times a day not a hundred plus like in the begining of this fuking mess.

i hope the orange one lobs a couple nukes and the first on hits spokane dead center. poof. i'm gone don't crfy for me argentina cause theres nothing to cry for.

for every hour i feel ok it's to hors oof feling like death warmed over. and so much for the med to help me sleep. maybe a dam pint of whisky wil do better. eat two candy bars and down a pint.

and jeanne says move past the car. yeah right you effing --nt. my life was in that car. i can't do anything without it. i want to see you go witout yors. you ride the fking bus. for everything. hope you live on a looprout. so you can sit your fat *** hone on sunday. and every holiday. or clime a mile of snow berms to get to another fking bus. fuking btch. will you geit it in your pea sized brain that i cant get past the car? i'm trying and it's not working. i have no freedom i have become a shutin. i go out less now than i have since steve and i split in 01. cause i can't fking get anywhere. cant check out pflag cant check meetup groups because no damn bus goes there. do i walk miles over snowberms with my **** knees? sorry, can't be done. so ill cry myself to sleep again and spend another day with moodswings with tears off/on. by the time i see you next monday i should be a blubbering assed mess.