my friend, it is killing me to hear about all this.

one thing I noticed is that you keep chalking up your reactions to anxiety, bpd, etc. Look, ANYONE would be freaking in your situation, so give yourself more credit.

The other thing.. I hope you don't mind me saying this - you've GOT to gain some independence. not that my husband is any more of a financial provider than Shawn is (because mine isn't) but one thing that help me freak less about his irresponsibility is that I am not financially dependent on him. I know that we're in very different situations and I'm not I.plying that it should bw easy for you... but what I mean to say that I wish I could erase your problems but since I can't, what I would love to do as your supporter is to help you figure out ways you can make it on your own. I'm good for brainstorming, professional marketing, and I'm very resourceful. please let me know if you want to put our heads together to get you outta ther and away from relying on someone who lets you down time and time again