Trigger warning******

My dad drank himself to death by my early twenties. It took him about five years of dedicated effort. He also made suicide attempts when I was in highschool. He called me once crying, begged me to come over or he might kill himself..told me I was his only hope. I can't even remember if I went now; I just remember rolling on the floor in anguish, listening to his pleas. Somehow I "worshipped" him (fear I guess) and went mostly numb early on in life. it's confusing that my dad taught me so many things...how to read, write, bike, drive, philosophy, music, literature, art... He gave my dull religious life color. But, he was so angry, dangerous, sick, and pitiful, too. He always found ways to devalue me, because he was so self-obsessed, even though self-deprecating. Its been so difficult to make sense of who he was, and how he affects me. When I started counseling a couple years ago, I was afraid to talk about him as if he might rise from the dead and get me. Realizing i subconsciously believed something so impossible helped to open my eyes to trauma. I had trained myself all my life to put his needs first. I've fought like hell to convince myself I had needs, and that my needs matter. I'm still working to face all he did to me. I can't say it, because I'm still so terrified deep down. I feel like my world could crack apart when I "go there." I'll get there little by little though until it's aired out and reincorporated.

So that's my fatherless daughter summary. Thanks for making this thread so I could air out some of the stuff still stuck in me. It's hard to admit my experience because I had always kept it so secret.