Quote:
Originally Posted by thesnowqueen
It may be that setting that mechanism of self-regulation involves internalizing some kind of reliable, loving and responsive caregiver. I'm guessing the theory involves positing an essential connection between the interpersonal and the intrapsychic. I'm thinking that it might also be difficult to internalize the 'good caretaker' later, just because the sense of oneself as unlovable or unworthy may be quite fixed and so any interaction that suggests otherwise may be interpreted as suspect, if not outright betrayal.
For me personally, I think the ability to self-regulate is particularly inhibited in situations in which I doubt the authenticity of the care given to me by a person I have idealized. But there is also something close to a compulsion to doubt it. It might be that the process of internalizing a sense of self-worth and the reliability of another must be done in tandem.
|
Yes I also definitely think that developing an internal "safe place" and ability to recognize and trust when the same comes from an external source later in life relies on having at least one loving and responsible caretaker early on. I know I had that in my father, with whom I did not only have a special relationship as a young child but also as an adult, until his death. There were gaps in it but I guess that's only normal in relationships.
I also agree that it may be much harder to develop this later as an adult. If for nothing else, because it's early life, up to mid-20's, when our brains are actively developing and are most plastic and receptive to whatever affect it, including lack of positive influences.
The best example from my own life is how I relate to men vs women in general, as an adult. I've had numerous great, trusting, close relationships with men and have no issues finding good men in my life. I think my last T was only one - I chose him very consciously based on these old patterns and surprise surprise, it worked. Much more difficult with women - not just that I have a tendency to avoid/distrust close relationships with females but also did not have many good experiences in the ones I chose to pursue... from childhood until more recent years, my early 40's! More balanced now but still there is this huge bias. Needless to say it has a lot to do with not having much of a connection with my mom in the past and how I detached myself even from what I could have had, due to her being a negative influence early on. So many of my relationships with males tend to be very fulfilling, whereas with women it tends to be a lot of work on both sides (also theirs, because of my resistance and avoidance).
Quote:
|
It might be that the process of internalizing a sense of self-worth and the reliability of another must be done in tandem.
|
I think this is a great point. If for nothing else, because if we do not trust ourselves and do not have a sense of self-worth, it is hard not to project that onto others and then doubt the whole construct.