i dont feel very good... dizzy from all this...

i wish it would stop... i wish i wasnt being so triggered...

scary stuff happening... alot of stress... scared my 2 yr old niece is being abused... a bunch of stuff... im overwhelmed and it keeps getting worse... scared im going to break... snap... i dont wanna breakdown...

that why i been hoping to get disability... atleast then it would help with some things and it would open some doors for further options... but im scared they are just gonna deny it again... my life is falling apart and i cant stop it... im falling apart...

i just wanna be happy... why is that so hard...

im afraid no one can help me... afraid its not going to get better... and im already so tired... exhausted...

i gotta figure out some how to fix this... gotta figure out how to communicate better with the doctors... its just so hard... i try hard to convey whats happening but i fail everytime because im not able to talk about stuff... or because i dissociate or something... my last pdoc messed things up bad by making me not trust them at all since the way he treated me...
working on trust with the therapist but thats hard too and she doesnt prescribe the medications so its almost making me feel like im wasting my energy....
but im trying to get her to talk with the doctor for me and try to explain things the way i explain them to her...

i dunno... i just want to hide because im so ashamed and embarrassed...
contemplating if i should just stop coming to this forum for a while... but i feel like its the only thing that has helped keep me from going mad... besides therapy of course... but coming here is something i can do throughout the day and therapy is just something i get to do for like an hour every 2 weeks usually...

i just feel like im imposing here sometimes... or an imposter... maybe i have imposter syndrome hehe...

well.. im trying to stay busy and stay out of bed... although i just feel like hiding in the bed... away from everything and everyone, so no one can trigger me and no one can judge me...

why do i have to be so complicated... its so depressing...