Everything is different day by day.
I think that having more responsabilities has been positive for me. I think it gives me some sense of porpuse.
I keep coming back and forth. Worrying I don't like people, giving names to my problems, deciding which personality disorder I have and then taking it back. I feel the need to put a name on my malfuction, but when I do that I start to feel hopeless because the internet isn't very kind on personality disorders prognosis.
I understand the psicossocial roots of my problem. I can draw a temporal line. And that's probably the only thing I should be focused on. But then I feel like I am fooling myself when I deny a personality disorder and that I should accept it and the consequences.
I know the personality disorder doesn't make me and I do know I have good insight and I really want to change the way I behave. And those are some of the biggest prognostic factors. The other patients aren't me and probably if other patients that make the statistics had these two things they would have gotten a better outcome.
But thinking about all this stuff stresses me a lot. I am a person with a very particular and unique environment I am not a series of criteria that sums up the mean but not reflects the differences between many people with similar behaviours. It doesn't reflect the causes, it is vague in the feelings.
Grouping sets of symptons together only makes sense as a way to find a comum treatment and project a similar prognosis. If the main symptons are the same but neither is the treatment or the prognosis should I be fitting my self into this syndromes? I don't think so... So does it means I don't have it? And does this makes sense to anyone?

These thoughts are bad for me, they make me feel depressed. I just want to know that I will find a way out, I want someone to give me hope, since I don't want to be friendless and depersonalized all my life.
Do I like people? Am I fooling myself thinking I like people? It is just all a product of my imagination

When I was younger I used to fantasize a lot, about everything. I had a lot of fake boyfriends in my head, I had many prince charmings that cured my shyness and my lack of self-esteem. Someone that loved me no matter what and was always there for me - this was my dream. I wished there was someone that could make me feel good and warm and not frightened of being myself. But after a certain point I got mad at myself for having these fantasies and I have worked hard to stop them. Now I think that even if I tried I couldn't do it anymore, I just know they are unrealistic and that they make no sense. Any imagination can't make me feel good when I know they are not real.
Is this an improvement? I think so, but I don't want to be to optimistic. Does this mean I am more in contact with reality and that I have room to chage? I think so. But I don't want to be missleading.

I have been stressed. I have three spots on my scalp that I have been picking for months. They are not visible, but inconsciently there I am, picking skin until it hurts and I take out the scab. Like since July. I will sleep now. I have to wake up early.