Since I was a child I have put alot of thought into death. I would write poems about what death might be like when I was 10. My teacher talked to my parents about it but it got written off as curiosity because my grandma was sick, she died that year. No one talked to me about my poems, I thought every 10 year old often thought about it.
As a young teen I started to fantasize about dying or killing myself. I use to have a reoccuring dream, I would die and then time would rewind and I would die again in a different way...thay would continue until I woke up in the morning. At 14 I tried to end myself. I was in so much physical pain I told myself I would never do that again. At 15 I came out and told my family how I wanted to die. My dad cried.
I never completely stopped dreaming about dying but it became rare in my later teens.
Now into my 20s, I fantasize about the idea. Its almost romantic. Not because anything is wrong in my life, it just sounds so peaceful. I am tired, my soul is tired. But as much as I dream and fantasize about dying...not in a sick dementated or even sad way (most the time), I won't do it. I am closer to my dad more now than ever before and I couldnt die peacefully like I want, knowing he would be so heart broken. As well as my boyfriend, he has been through more than anyone i know, and i would hate to think i would scar him more or push him over the edge. I don't want anyone to find my body or miss me. I just want to die alone and peacefully...so I will continue to dream even if my dream cannot come true....