Hey. So I was just wondering why, when things seem to mostly be going okay,
perhaps a bit dull but overall good, that every once in a while I get this itch to do something I know is stupid, follow a bad idea, make a mess, basically self destruct a little bit.

Nothing huge. But it's like hey, seems like a good time to wreck my stability by do something i know will probably result in a future mess or suffering. Do I hate myself that much or do I just not care about consequences at the time??
Like getting totally **** faced drunk, hooking up with my ex, blowing $ I don't have on something dumb I don't need, etc.

Just wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Went out with a friend and had 7 beers; was feeling good at beer 3 and could have stopped then. but even as I was drinking the last two I knew I was being an idiot. And yet I sort of wanted to be irresponsible and reckless even though I knew I was going to feel ****** the next morning. Idk why I do this sometimes.