Trigger warning************************

Keeping going...I'm feeling fired up rereading my post. Burns in my stomach. I have so much unexpressed anger towards...whatever the hell happened.... Its unexpressed because I had so much pity for him. I hated watching him suffer through his issues. I could not understand what was happening all the time. He cried a lot, laughed a lot, sang a lot, screamed and yelled, became violent and so incapacitated. I don't know why I have to respect him?! I feel like he tortured me. I want to tear his image apart limb by limb. but then I smile at him instead. I can't see him straight, because when I do it immediately warps me. I disassociate. It's horrible because shouldn't he be a moot point? Yet he lingers like a ghoul in my stress and fear responses.
He just confuses me. Like when I was a teenager, he drove me around drunk on joy rides to the liquor store, too fast around tight curves and hills. He thought it was funny to launch his car off the bumps...he would cheer and make me cheer. He's drunk and I think I'm going to die, yet I can't care because then I'll ruin his fun, or I'll seem like I worry too much and I should LIKE this impromptu show of drunken stupid. He's hurt I don't trust him. Seriously what is this about? It seems like he enjoyed scaring me when I think over things...but then he frames everything as special and meaningful and a gift for me, that I am wretched if I don't accept it. Like mol*st me and give me a toy? Why should his type of soul murdering violence be viewed as more benign than mine, where I can't hardly express a fantasy of violent revenge to myself? I think I've done well dumping this here on this post. I have a nasty worry about influencing people, hurting people's feelings. But I feel like writing this will be a healing choice that I made.