I wanna talk bout somethin that happen last week cuz we been tryin to figure that out and well i think i got some understanding about that.

So one time when we was a real for real kid this bad thing happen to us one time in a bathtub. The last group of us who was doin life back them five years ago or whatever well they spent time and worked hard dealin with that bad bathtub thing. But then when the group of us who are here now come around the only one of us who could get in a shower and not be set off was me. So i took charge and say yep i can do that and be responsible for showers and then after months of me doin that them other ones could do showers without gettin set off. Well we was thinkin victory! We aint gotta wash up only in the kitchen sink no more.

Then last week happened. One of us was sittin on the couch and all a sudden she get to thinkin bout this one other bad thing that happen to us back when we was a real for real teenager. And we was all well how come we thinkin bout this and why this thing in our heads and it was in all our heads not just the one on the couch and we was all woah. Then the one who was on the couch was flippin out real bad for hours n the whole week was bad but not as bad as the couch flip out time. We didnt even know how come we was all tense cuz its nott like the teenage thing was so bad.

i dont know how to do a trigger box thing to hide the teen bad thing that happen so i wont say it but somebody tried to do somethin to us and we got away. we was thinkin it was a win so we never think much about that bein a thing that bother us. Boy was we wrong. I dont know if itt bothers one of them otther ones of us in another group or if it bothers us n we never notice it cuz we busy dealin with other stuff but when i was thinking about it all n tryin to figure it all out i come to know some things that i think are real important.

I figured out them two things the kid thing and the teen thing that happen are mixed up with me because they both have things in common. Most important thing in common to me is that other people who was supposed to love us and care about us flat out dismiss us and make fun of us for bad things other people done did to us. In my system i feel small and invisible lots of the time and that hurts me a lot. So even when the bad things that happen to us got almost nothin in common they still got everything in common to me when its about people bein mean to us and ignorin us and actin all whatever to us like we not real people or nothin so it dont matter how we get treated. And i never think about them two things that happen in that way before. It was like somebody turn a light bulb on over my head and i had a big aha! moment cuz even tho lots of times i can think about lots of other things and how it hurts me cuz i was invisible i never think on them two things like that before. I still got lots of thinkin to do but im startin n im doin it n thats whats important.

So i got some new understandin goin on and its hard but its good cuz i know even when its hard its still big steps forward n thats good. Wish me luck in thinkin bout this? I got my safe stuff in place so if i fall apart i got a place to run and hide so it'll be ok. Its just scary is all.

NiKKi