I always feel as though I owe everyone something and that they are so much better than me. How can I refuse to something that they are asking of someone like me. Sometimes I feel like maybe this would be the time where they'd feel like I matter if even little bit so I cannot dare to refuse. And then some other times I feel like they are wasting enough of their times on me (even a second is too much to be spent on me.) I should pay them back in some form.
The most conflicting situations arise when I know if I accepted their offer of something I'll get way over my head and think that I'm a part of some group or that they like me. I cannot afford to think that or whenever again I'll feel distance I'd be crushed. So I get torned between- How could I say no? How do I say no? If I get a chance I try changing the topic and ask them about them or subtly try to leave that place and if I have no other options I say no. And then punish myself for weeks for saying no. It's so infuriating and frustrating.