I do my best to hold onto the caring feelings, but it's hard. It's one of the reasons I email my T weekly: just to reinforce the feelings. She always encourages me and reassures me. When we go to monthly sessions, I will get a letter and a transitional object from her. Those will also help me hold onto those feelings.

I'm the same way with my fiance. Luckily, he's okay with all the reassuring. We have a ritual of how we say goodnight, we always cuddle before bed, and we're always giving hugs. I think he likes all the reassuring too.

Would be possible to hold onto more complex memories of events, including environment, atmosphere, conversation topic etc, instead of the other person, their expressions and the interpersonal exchange in a more isolated way? I am just speculating since I don't have this problem, so was trying to think what and how I internalize. I think for me it's these complex impressions, including my own positive feelings in the moment, the larger picture rather than just the interpersonal domain. This way the memories are complex and the different elements can trigger recall of one-another in powerful ways... it never feels isolated or as though it happened outside of me. It's automatic, I never learned it consciously, but I wonder if it could be learned, similarly to a meditative practice or something? Really not sure it makes sense to others or if it could be helpful but I wanted to try to describe it because I really rarely felt loneliness in my life. I did when I was very depressed and cut off from these internal mechanisms and connection from the rest of the world. It is rarely specific to one person for me, including back in my childhood, I think, although there were some outstanding positive influences.

I don't think it's about object constancy per se either, especially for adults. Probably more that some people develop an inner source and soothing mechanism (of course I do believe it's heavily influenced by caretakers in early life), which does not necessarily require interpersonal interaction and reassurance once it's set. I believe that if this is not developed fully or becomes damaged due to mental illness, intense stress etc, then there are all these things of looking for love in all places outside but never quite feeling of finding or sustaining it. If this is true, I imagine it might be much more effective to work on creating this "inner place" or mechanism, the intrapsychic, rather than focusing on the interpersonal too much and hoping it will ever provide that powerful nurture.

I have trouble with this, too, both with T and marriage counselors and with other relationships in my life.

SnowQueen, you might have been thinking of Object Relations theory? I've read up some on that because apparently it's one of MC's favorites. He'll often talk about stuff I'm feeling/ways I'm reacting now as coming from messages I got from my parents in childhood.

Here's some info on it: Object Relations

Have you talked with her about the difficulty you have holding onto her loving feelings? Because it's really important to discuss it with her.

I last saw my wonderful therapist almost 20 years ago (I was in therapy with him for over six years) and I still feel the love and caring he had for me. It still helps me get through some rough times.

It may be that setting that mechanism of self-regulation involves internalizing some kind of reliable, loving and responsive caregiver. I'm guessing the theory involves positing an essential connection between the interpersonal and the intrapsychic. I'm thinking that it might also be difficult to internalize the 'good caretaker' later, just because the sense of oneself as unlovable or unworthy may be quite fixed and so any interaction that suggests otherwise may be interpreted as suspect, if not outright betrayal.

For me personally, I think the ability to self-regulate is particularly inhibited in situations in which I doubt the authenticity of the care given to me by a person I have idealized. But there is also something close to a compulsion to doubt it. It might be that the process of internalizing a sense of self-worth and the reliability of another must be done in tandem.

Yes I also definitely think that developing an internal "safe place" and ability to recognize and trust when the same comes from an external source later in life relies on having at least one loving and responsible caretaker early on. I know I had that in my father, with whom I did not only have a special relationship as a young child but also as an adult, until his death. There were gaps in it but I guess that's only normal in relationships.

I also agree that it may be much harder to develop this later as an adult. If for nothing else, because it's early life, up to mid-20's, when our brains are actively developing and are most plastic and receptive to whatever affect it, including lack of positive influences.

The best example from my own life is how I relate to men vs women in general, as an adult. I've had numerous great, trusting, close relationships with men and have no issues finding good men in my life. I think my last T was only one - I chose him very consciously based on these old patterns and surprise surprise, it worked. Much more difficult with women - not just that I have a tendency to avoid/distrust close relationships with females but also did not have many good experiences in the ones I chose to pursue... from childhood until more recent years, my early 40's! More balanced now but still there is this huge bias. Needless to say it has a lot to do with not having much of a connection with my mom in the past and how I detached myself even from what I could have had, due to her being a negative influence early on. So many of my relationships with males tend to be very fulfilling, whereas with women it tends to be a lot of work on both sides (also theirs, because of my resistance and avoidance).


I think this is a great point. If for nothing else, because if we do not trust ourselves and do not have a sense of self-worth, it is hard not to project that onto others and then doubt the whole construct.

I have a few objects T has given me, and they are very special. I think my problem is that I expect too much from T. She said she loves me and will feel that way forever. I email her how wonderful I feel after that session and she doesn't reply right away. I have to remind her. She emails and apologizes, and writes that she's glad I feel wonderful. In my email I asked if at some level she feels good that I love her. She didn't answer that part.

I wanted her to agree that it was special to share love. Instead, I feel a little foolish. I know she will probably say otherwise, but it deflates my good feeling when she doesn't respond the way she did in the session. I felt her email wasn't sincere. I wish she would have said something like "yes, we shared something special in the session. I felt it too." I know I'm expecting too much from T. She's not the best writer but sometimes she gets it right. I need to pay attention to her feelings, not her words in an email.

Have you considered the possibility that you are expecting unconditional love from someone you internally put a lot of conditions on?

My husband used to do that to me. He would read things into what I said or did (or didn't say or didn't do) (or did differently than he wanted or thought I should), and it kept him in a state of anxiety about our relationship . . . and it drove me up the wall. He finally realized if he just took a deep breath and accepted what I had to offer as coming genuinely from me, that he couldn't force me to act the way he wanted or behave in a way that was anything other than myself, then everything he was looking for was already there. All of his analyzing and picking apart of my every action and word didn't give me nearly the credit I deserved, and it only served to feed his anxieties.

Just breathe. Be accepting that you have a very attentive and caring therapist who loves who you are. Be accepting of what she offers you rather than picking it apart so that it loses its value for you. Raise up what she does do, recognize how fortunate you are to have such a caring therapist; breathe in her caring and accept her for who she is. Remind yourself to do that each and every time you start a thought about her with the words "I wish she would have . . ."

This is why I try my best to think of my T as a professional. Then I actually value everything she does for me. I mean, would my dentist or doctor give me a transitional object? Allow emails? In your case, say she loves you?

You expect way too much of your T. You've put her too high on a pedestal, expecting perfection, so of course she's going to fail you. Do you want her to fail you? To be like everyone else? Or do you think it's time to accept your T for who she is, flaws and all. She does accept you flaws and all...

Because for most people with severe attachment issues, family is not a source of support or comfort. And since we didn't 'learn' how to accept or feel support or comfort as kids, it's impossible to feel that from friends. Like asking someone to speak Latin. The T and therapeutic process is partly about using the therapeutic relationship to re-learn attachment, i.e., how it feels when it's there, trust, etc...