Hey- sorry you are stressed out and having a rough time.
I can relate somewhat. I read somewhere that sometimes we use S ideation as a sort of
coping mechanism. It makes sense- I must be getting something positive out of it if i start fantasizing about ending it all whenever I get too overwhelmed by life.
It may not be a very healthy coping mechanism, but it helps me cope Nonetheless.
When **** gets to be too much and I feel like 1 more thing will drown me, it can be appealing and reassuring to know it is there as an alternate option. A plan b just in case. Even if i will never act on it. But for me it's dangerrous bc I just might forget to ignore my depressed brain one of these days. So I try hard to NOT go there too often. My brain probably has probably formed some deeply worn in neural pathways leading straight to suicidal thoughts from repeatedly thinking about it, so I have to try hard to build Different paths for my nerve impulses to travel.
Hang in there.