Ham, I think writing about what happened to you will be a wonderful thing for you, very strengthening and healing for you -- but only when you're ready to do it, if you ever are, and only when YOU decide to do it. Your T sounds as if he's trying to challenge you, which is good, since none of us would do anything difficult on our own without some sort of challenge, whether it comes from inside ourselves or outside. It also sounds, though, as if he might be pushing too hard too fast for you right now. I'll bet if feels like the doctors pulling on your legs until they snapped, huh?

I don't know your situation, whether that physio was successful in the end. I had physical therapy, too, when I was a kid, and never wanted to do the exercises, because they hurt so much. The PT used to lecture me as if I were an adult, when I was five years old for cripes sake! All I remember feeling was lost and alone and shamed. And hurt. Sucked a lot. I look at my body now, and I still feel guilt and shame and think that I deserve to feel it because my legs still aren't straight, and it still causes me physical discomfort and problems. On the other hand, the more objective adult part of me sees the real problem: the PT was treating me as if I were In Charge, and not getting after my mother for allowing me NOT to do the exercises. I was NOT the adult in the situation.

Sounds as if there's a little confusion in your situation, too. As a young child, YOU were not bad, rotten, The Problem, or any of those things. YOU were not the adult! Where in the hell were the adults who were supposed to protect you?

Here's my prescription for you, for whatever it's worth:

1. It's OK to have those records pulled, if they still exist. Even if you're not ready for it now, keep those records for when you are ready. If you're strong enough to survive that sort of physio, you can whup anything out there, girl!

2. If you really and truly cannot handle having the records pulled, rescind your consent. You have that right. But I hope you will pull them. (By the way, as I type this, I have my records from a nightmare situation sitting on the desk beside my computer. It's horrible agony to read them, but it also has a healing feel to it. Sort of like cleaning out an infected wound so that it can heal properly.)

3. Talk to your T about how you feel about this, that you're feeling pressured into doing something you really don't want to do.

4. It sounds to me from what you wrote as if you're feeling as though his curiousity is at the root of this suggestion, rather than your needs. If that's the case, that's a good topic to bring up, too.

Whatever you decide to do, best to you in it. I hope it is a healing choice for you, no matter what you decide.