Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
I started questioning what is wrong with me when I became unable to connect and function with my h, which made me very depressed and withdrawn.
All my life, any other differences and eccentricities did not prevent me from whatever made me happy, so did not bother me.
Still, I am not going to take more drugs just to succumb to behavior that I can't do because it triggers me. I am going to listen to myself, trust myself, and get away from that which I can't stand.
I am taking an AD, though.
How bad can the secrets you keep possibly be? A squirrel is smart to hide his nuts.
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As far as taking drugs go--I actually stopped and started 3X (maybe 4) last year. I would say to myself--this stuff changes my personality. It does and I feel emotions more intensely when I am not taking medications. During Thanksgiving I was taking nearly nothing and was getting very upset. So on December 14th, I said, I need to go back on them, at least to get through X-mas and New Years. I was so calm that I have been taking them ever since. The thing is though: EVERYTIME I went back on my medications was because either H made me upset or I made him upset--ie he would act worried about my behavior, just like he did this morning and I would reach for my meds to become calmer just for him! If I was off my meds today, I bet I would be assuming that no meds caused the problem. Is my problem me or him? Sometimes I wonder about that one! I survived without any medications at all until 2011, when I was 48 years old. I told the psychologist my job is stressful (and it was) but what I didn't tell the doc was how angry my children and I were about H. And of course I was feeling anger toward him the moment I attempted. <<sigh>>
I have not been feeling angry toward him but could it be that I just lie to myself and let the drugs just cover up my feelings about how the relationship really makes me feel? <<overused sigh>>