I haven't posted in a while, but today, I felt the need to express myself somewhere - and since the situation is related to therapy, I figure this is as good a place as any.

Today, I did one of (if not THE most) most difficult things I've ever had to do. I said goodbye to my T.

I can't discuss the exact reason, but I'll put it this way - there was this one topic that I could not talk about in a totally honest and direct way, especially with T, and it made it more difficult for me to keep going to sessions with this cloud hanging over me. I couldn't talk about it because, depending on exactly what I might say, it would put her in a position of having to start of chain of events that I absolutely did not want to happen. It was the elephant in the room, and made me feel disingenuous because I was thinking about something, but I had to suppress it and pretend like it wasn't there. I know it wasn't her "fault." She is bound by certain rules, and I would never want or expect her to break the rules.

We talked indirectly about why I was ending therapy, and she knows the deal. I promised her a while back that I would have a final session with her if/when I ever felt like I needed to "take a break." We both know it's not a break, though, it's a true good-bye.

I'm so sad, lost, and disappointed. If not for that one topic, I would not have ended my sessions with her. She has been super great to me, is a wonderful therapist, and I'll always remember her. Now, I feel more isolated than ever, because I have no one to talk to about many things that I can't or won't share with friends or family. Having my last session with her - knowing I can never communicate with her again - makes my heart and my head hurt.