This broke my heart to read honestly and I'm sending you hugs and hugs.

I was able to relate to the whole "can't tell my T something because of what she might do because of the rules" because I'm going through the same thing. And I don't think anyone can understand what you're going through unless they're in your shoes. Saying goodbye to a T is rough, I mean I have a hard time leaving after weekly sessions I can't imagine leaving forever. But if you feel like it was what was needed to be done then it's going to take a while for you to settle in with the idea that you aren't going to see T any longer.

Again, I'm wishing you all the best and if you need anything PC is always there to support you!