T said today that it happens over and over with me and her in therapy. I feel really good about our relationship or about the session but then something happens and my mood changes. She usually doesn't mention my diagnosis but she said it's a borderline issue. If her email or words aren't exactly what I want to hear I get upset. I lose the good feelings. She says it's never enough for me. That's true.

She wants me to tell myself that it's okay, that I'm okay, and that nothing has changed. She says I can put more of myself in there to comfort me. She says she thinks I do this with others too.

So I said I don't know if I believe that you love me. She said she does but then went on to say it's different from the love for her children or her partner. I got triggered by her saying " love for my partner" because now I know she's still with him. I didn't say anything. I know I have to work out my jealousy by myself. I don't know if I will ever find another partner to love and that is making me cry right now while writing this.

I mentioned about the flashcards and she thought that was a good idea. I have a session on my birthday and she said we could do it then.

So I need to tell myself that T will always love me in a special way no matter what she says or writes in an email. I have to remember that. I have to learn how not to spoil it for myself. My mood changes in an instant, though. Last session I felt wonderful. I wish I still did.