I'm just gonna flip out here for a second. Probably triggery. I just need to write. I need to do something with this. Something that won't vanish on me in two days.

It makes me nuts when I can't finish a thought, an idea... I was going to write some stuff because my head was flooded with these words and I grab a pen and it stops. Hitting glass walls in my head, I guess and there they go. Bye bye thoughts. Someone not ready to say them yet? Be heard yet? I dunno. Ugh. At least I can hear my own thoughts better now. I dunno.

I was thinking that here would be a good idea, this post thing I started and never did manage to use. And I'm seeing here that I was stressing past friend people when I started this and I'm trying to remember that night and it seems not real and I wouldn't believe it happened if I wasn't looking at the words and watch, in a month I'll read this like I didn't write it, but I did and I'll know it and it'll creep me out for a moment before that slips away like all the other ones. Holy emo, Batman, shut up. There's a point to this. Stay on point.

NiKKi had her moment of understanding come and knock her off her feet and I've been having mine as well, but damn if I didn't remember that back in January was when I started getting hit with this stuff. I didn't put that together until now. But it's before that to. One of these people that were there that afternoon has been trying to take up perma residence in my head for awhile now and I was thinking maybe it's an autism thing or OCD thing or some unrelated thing because I do that sometimes, you know, get all hung up on somebody for some reason. But I frickin get it. Ole boy was the only one who didn't pull crap on me in the middle of that mess outside that school. Derp de derp derp derrrr. I'm an idiot. Wow. Okay. I mean there's more to it, but whatever. Not getting into all that right now.

Anyway so I was looking out my window and thinking I should walk up to the corner store and get some root beer. I try to be good about little rewards when stuff is hitting the fan and we actually manage to not go off the hook or anything so yeah, root beer, it's good, so I did that. I almost started crying at one point and that was weird. I'm not comfortable crying and it freaks me out when I do that... like why are my eyes leaking? I need a doctor! Agh! And I don't know how to do sad or if sad is even what I'm feeling when I do cry. I don't understand sad. I don't understand a lot of emotions or if I feel them at all. But I do feel. I know it. I just don't want to admit it, I think. Yeah.

I know part of what I need to do in dealing with this new stuff is understand that these things that happened made me feel. I almost laughed out loud on my walk to or from the store about that. Hell, maybe I did laugh out loud. I dunno. But it seemed so funny to me that this group of us, this largely emotionally numb mess of people who have really only ever dealt with fixing problems and then leaving would be faced with tackling the problem of dealing with the emotional aspects of anything. Who thought that was a good idea? Seriously, who put us in charge anyway... we should have only been a temporary fix. Someone's plan fell to pieces, I think. Or maybe not. No one told me so I dunno. I'm just here. And now I'm here and faced with tackling an emotion mess. How do you do that? Feel things and know what you are feeling? How do you not go on stop it mode? I'm not supposed to feel. I'm not supposed to let people get to me. I'm not supposed to let people hurt me, I do that to myself, thank you very much. Damn people thwarting my attempts at keeping my crown and being the reigning ice queen elizab**ch. Ohhhhh... thwarty thwarty people. Oh but thwarty thwarty me. Or maybe liar liar me. Or hypocritical hypocritical me.

Just because I made myself look like an untouchable ice queen, it doesn't mean that's what I was on the inside. That makes me really uncomfortable to say. Oh I don't like that. I gotta get used to this. I'm not used to this. Somebody threw me off the boat with no floaty thing when I was a kid before I knew how to swim... one of those she'll how to swim that way, moments. And I did swim. I really feel like that right now. I got no floaty. I don't know whats in this emotion water, what's under me, how deep it is, the lack of control is twitching the stuff right out of me. Uncomfortable. And then it goes, no it doesn't. Crap.

And I don't trust anyone in my life to say any of this to. How messed up is that? I have been married to this guy... my body anyway... he's Charlotte's man, but Charlotte doesn't come around much anymore so here I am married to this guy. God I'm crazy. Okay. Um. So he's been here for years and he acts like I'm the same as the ones before me and bless his heart he's a champ about this and a sport because it's gotta suck to not know if your wife is going to be some kid or dude or me whatever the hell I am when he walks in the door. He can't even say for sure if he'll find his wife hiding, home, gone wherever who knows, crying or having dinner ready for him with a smile and a how was your day honey? Why does he put up with this? He must be crazy. Well, that and he's not really here much anyhow. He works, goes to school, he's gone before I get up and he doesn't get home until 10 or something so it's just me here all day alone now.... whoever I happen to be at any given frickin moment. Ugh. Stay on topic.

I don't know if I don't trust him or if I don't want to bore or bother him. I don't think he cares to hear what I have to say anyhow. It's not like it's his problem either. He's got his own stuff going on. I'd go try to get back with the last therapist we had but I know more than half of us would not go even if we had an appointment and since I can't just go and say yeah, I'll be the one here that day during that time so I can walk there and then walk home... I can't do that. I can't control when I am or am not here. It's really inconvenient sometimes. But I don't think I have the skill set to navigate this emotion mess on my own. I don't know if any of us here now have it in us to navigate this stuff on their own so they can help the rest of us clueless monkeys. Oook ook. Gah. I dunno what to do. I need a plan. I need an adult. It sucks that I am the adult here. Again, who thought this was a good idea? I really don't get the joke, people.

Okay. Temper tantrum aside and hopefully done for now... I know we can do this. I'm just freakin out that I have to. I'm freaking out more that I am actually going to do this. That I have been doing this. I need to own my crap and stop lying to myself and other people that don't feel. I feel in a backwards, messed up way, but I do feel. I don't like that. How do the underpants gnomes thingie go? Phase one? Yeah. Phase 1 Admit you have feelings. Phase 2 ? Phase 3 Be better than you were before. There. I got a plan. Good adulting, me. Go drink that root beer.

-Veda