I've struggled with sexual issues all my life. Lot of sexual abuse in my past, so I can't really blame myself too much but...

It seems like the whole world is obsessed with sex! It's supposed to be one of the most "natural" things a human can do but... For me it's the opposite! It's awkward, painful, uncomfortable, disgusting, triggering and sometimes traumatic. The more I push myself to try to be "normal" and "just do it", the worse it makes me feel!

Ideally I'd love to have a husband and kids someday. But I just don't want sex, most of the time I hate being touched in general. Even cuddling is just weird and unnatural to me. Humans are too sweaty and smelly to be in such close proximity to.

So I did some research online and found out, contrary to what I've always thought, I'm NOT the only person like this! There's even terminology for it! From one of the first Google results: "Heteroromantic asexuals seek romantic relationships for a variety of reasons, including companionship, affection, and intimacy, but they are not necessarily sexually attracted to their romantic partners".

There are certain things about men that I find "attractive", but I never get the impulse to sleep with them, and I don't imagine what they'd be like in bed. Rather, I'm attracted to someone who is a good platonic match: intelligent, compassionate, patient, understanding, etc.

As soon as a guy I'm dating starts pressuring me for sex, I (sometimes subconsciously) make preparations to start breaking up with him. When someone keeps picking at the issue, to me it's extremely disrespectful and very selfish of them. If they knew how it felt to be me, they wouldn't be a pushy jerk about it!!!

I've had a string of bad relationships over the past 3 years. My self-esteem has been at an all-time low, so I've ended up with some real jerks! After all is said and done, my number one regret is always "I let that creep talk me into sex". Then I'm filled with regret and self-loathing for weeks at least. I can get over guys who use me for money or whatever. But sex puts me in such a bad head state, it's almost... dare I say? Re-traumatizing. And they care so LITTLE about what it causes in my brain, it just makes me feel vindicated when I break it off! So long, creep! Good freaking riddance!

Being asexual makes me feel like a freak. An alien. Less than human. Which is funny, because I find humanity to be one of the WORST diseases on this planet! I have a small circle of close friends who I trust, and everyone else is regarded with disdain and skepticism. I'm actually afraid to meet a man because my first thought is usually "how long before he expects sex"?

I can't keep living like this. The terrible memories that plague my waking AND sleeping life make me feel disgusting, like I should go bathe in bleach and fire. I know that probably doesn't make sense but... I'm tired of feeling used! Jeez! If men want sex so bad, well most cities have hookers, Playboy magazines, and blow up dolls! Go bother them and leave me alone!

Feels good to get that off my chest. Call it my "coming out" story haha