I apologize in advance if this is too long...

I've been struggling with stimulants because I've been using them to induce hypo/manic episodes, even though I know very well that such episodes (even depressive episodes!) damage the brain. You would think I'd know better by now, but I don't.

I admitted to my therapist yesterday morning that I have an addiction to stimulants, namely the Adderall I was once prescribed. She and I discussed why I had the addiction and what I could do about it. We ultimately came to the joint agreement that I should dispose of my Adderall by giving it back to the pharmacy -- but I just couldn't (can't) bring myself to do it.

We also discussed the issue of med compliance. I said I wasn't compliant with meds. Basically, I'd forget to take them, I wouldn't want to take them, it was "too much effort", etc.. Then she said, "Well, you appear to be rapid cycling, but maybe -- just maybe -- it's because you're not taking your medications as prescribed." I never really thought about that, even though, in hindsight, it was glaringly obvious.

On four separate occasions, I have admitted to my pdoc that I was non-compliant with meds; however, I've been non compliant plenty more than four times. But the four times I've admitted to being non-complaint were: Stopped Latuda cold turkey, stopped Abilify cold turkey, stopped Strattera cold turkey, and forgot "a few times" to take my meds. Each time I admitted to being non-compliant, he said, "You know, you could have caused a mood swing." Again, you think I would have learned.

My pdoc did make me the promise that, once I got stable, we could try stimulants again (since non-stimulants like Strattera weren't working). But I know if I continue to abuse stimulants, I will never get a stimulant again. He will most certainly put information in my file that says I abuse them, and any pdoc I see thereafter will have access to that information.

I really do need the stimulant for my ADHD because my ability to focus is severely impaired, and that impairment is compounded by some of the other meds I'm on (likely Lamictal). It sucks.

I don't remember how med complaint I was when I first took Adderall. However, I do remember that I was "stable" at the time, which is why we agreed to start it in the first place. I think I was on 200mg of Lamictal, 40mg of Latuda, 5mg of Lexapro. (I can't remember if I was on Abilify, though. It was around the time I was stopping Latuda and starting Abilify. Either way, both APs were useless.)

This time, I have hope that my new AP, Seroquel XR, will prevent hypo/mania when I take a stimulant. I just don't want to screw up again by taking a stimulant and becoming unstable again. My Seroquel XR dose isn't therapeutic yet. However, I'm now on 400mg of Lamictal, which I think will help immensely.

Good news is that I've been med complaint for the past 2 weeks (which I'm proud of!). I think the longest I've been compliant is 6 weeks. (Pathetic, I know.) I just don't get why I'm being SO STUPID about all of this. I know better than to be non-complaint.