Hi I am new this this and so decided to write something here as some sort of last ditch for any kind of help. I have suffered from depression for a long time now (since 17yrs old I am 29 now) and my friends and family do not know I suffer this ( I have managed to hide it fairly well a lot of the time) even though I have let slip many hints I suffer depression on quite a few occasions but either nobody notices or just turns a blind eye to my struggle.

I left my country of origin just over 2 years ago now and moved to another country to try and improve my life one last time. I moved to a country where I don't speak a lot of the local language although I can have basic conversations. This makes it difficult to talk to a doctor about my depression and I also dont get paid much money and therefore I cant afford to see any specialist or anything. I am very alone with this. My work situation is very stressful as I am limited to what I can do with work and therefore money is a big issue and this does not help either. Another thing is recently I found out my mum has been diagnosed with alzheimers disease and is struggling and my dad is finding it kind of hard to deal with it as far as I know. This saddens me alot. I am very lonely a lot of the time here as I cant get to do much things with my friends here. The loneliness is very difficult. I had a girlfriend and we recently broke up, I only ever cared and was loving to her and did nothing wrong and she just changed and her attitude became very bad towards me for no reason and now we are finished and she knows I was struggling but just didnt care (I wish I had never met her). I have not been able to eat much because of my money constraints and therefore have lost a bit of weight and I was slim to begin with and I am losing my hair quite fast now. In the past I have thought about commiting suicide to the point I know exactly how, when and where I will do it. I had serious thoughts about it in the past but now with everything going wrong in my life and it not looking like changing for the better anytime soon, I just see no reason in living anymore. I have no hope left. I am an optimistic person but everything has now come to a point where it has eaten away at me that I have nothing to live for anymore. I have never had such a strong urge to kill myself as I do now. I have cried to myself so many times I have lost count. I honestly doubt I will see my 30th birthday this year. Sorry for such a long post, I just had to get that off my chest.