Hey. Sorry you are having a tough time. I get how being blitzed out of ones mind can be so alluring, esp if it gets rid of the depression temporarily. I have been there. I get it. And i do sometimes wonder if maybe I only want to want normal and stable, but a part of me really wants and needs chaos in order to feel normal. Idk.

But as somebody who dated someone who used drugs to self medicate his own psychiatric problems and try to maintain a hypomanic high, i can say that it didn't end well. Adding street drugs into the mix just made things worse. And it feels like a giant **** you to the people who love you.
I hope you can get more abilfy or some other med that will help you.
Oh- and I couldn't help but smile when reading how you crave chaos and instability and that is why you like cats more than dogs...
take it easy. Be safe.