Trying not to lose my mind.

Grandiose thinking and delusion and hope encouraged me to believe I was destined to win the PCH super prize.

It doesn't mean God doesn't love me if I lose. It doesn't mean I am stupid to believe in God or Destiny. It doesn't mean I am unworthy if I lose. It doesn't mean that I am a worthless, pointless drain on society if I am getting disability.

My good things are: My husband loves me, and makes me smile. I have a home. I have food, and an animal that loves me.

It doesn't mean I am bad if I can't afford Doctors for my dog. It doesn't mean I am bad if I am overweight. It doesn't mean I am stupid to believe/hope/think I could win the lottery.

It just means, I dream of a different life. A life where I can give instead of take. I want to be a better person. But I don't want to change what feels safe.

I hoped to win to feel validation.

I am so sad.

---- Maybe I shouldn't have - shouldn't let myself - do anything that might make me feel chance.

Maybe chance is dangerous to someone who has delusions.

Maybe I need to be a person who only tries to think about things I can touch and see and hear, that are real.

Maybe imagination is bad for me. Maybe I use it as an indulgence, and I binge on imagination of winning the lottery.

Maybe I need to find out if there is hope that I can change my own life myself.

I think the mental illness train never ends.

Choiceless doesn't feel good.

Maybe... maybe life isn't about seeking what feels good, but about becoming what we can accomplish.

That thought feels really strong. It feels like something I can grow from.

I am the stream, not the leaf, and I control my destiny.